if not for you.

manufactured marketing days don't mean much to me and "Father's Day," being no exception but I do pause now and then and think about the guy who played a role in my life knowingly or not.

So Happy Father's Day to those who find these "special days," more special than others and now that I got that out of the way I'll address those like me who don't need a day on the calendar to remind me that I grew up differently.

The older I get the more time I spend or waste, wondering what might have been. Living a life of solitude is a choice that I made for myself. The idea of getting married again after my divorce 45 years ago was not to be and all my failed experiences had everything to do with that. You're welcome ex-girlfriends.

I had one son when I was a kid at seventeen and that little boy with bright eyes and future is now 44, over 6 feet tall and with a beautiful little family of his own. From all accounts that little boy is doing just fine no thanks to me but for being lucky enough that I chose a beautiful loving and nurturing mother that he ended up being raised by. Not one day gets by me that I don't thank God for the person she was and still is.

I wonder sometimes if my father knew his father? I never knew mine and how would my life have been any different if I had? I'm not in the habit these days of wasting a lot of time on things that won't go anywhere but I have thought about what it might have been like if I had some funny ass stories to tell about the time I spent with my dad and some of the stuff he might have said or done. That wasn't to be a part of my life story and I'll just have to talk with my father when we see each other again one day and maybe some missing pieces will fall into place. I'm looking forward to the conversation.

So here's a thought from someone who has been really successful at things that won't matter in the end like a business and finance, and who has failed miserably at everything really important for those of you who have had it all the entire time I was failing. You can walk around a crowded world knowing that every person you see has a story you know nothing about and that one kind gesture from you can re-direct a lonely thought or sadness on a day like this. I know what I'm talking about.

Save me a seat at the table old man we've got some stuff to talk about and we're gonna laugh our asses off. You aren't going to believe half of this shit.. or maybe you will..

someone else.

I started this blog it looks like 6 years ago in 2012 and then added 2 or 3 entries in 2013 then it stops. For one reason then another I didn't push forward towards what I was looking for. It's 2018 now and time and loss have brought me back to this place. Mom is 91 my sister in her 70s and so many of the people I have know are either experiencing serious health issues and some have passed away. It gets very quiet and sad when I drown myself in these thoughts about how time has taken its toll. While I know how to lift some of the weight of these thoughts off my mind I'm finding it more and more difficult to engage the process. My mom would tell me the quickest way to feel better is to go out and make someone else's day. She is the smartest person I will ever know.

To chronical a journey for what may turn out to be one without any clear destination isn't accomplishing anything worth spending time on and yet it feels like the only thing i'm capable of doing at this moment. I'm deeply saddened to hear my friend and Santa to everyone Alan Lundgren has passed away from a hard fought battle with cancer. My mom battles her issues and doesn't feel very well most of the time. My uncle passed from Alzheimer's my cousin from cancer and a friend who shouldn't be facing heart issues at such an early age is. My sister has had cancer and is doing alright but the time I feel I can actually see flying by is, and it makes me very sad.

I don't like worrying or people who spend a lot of time doing it and yet I'm doing it a lot these days. From as far back as I can remember the death of others has had an extreme effect on me and when it's close to home or in my mind when I think about the future it affects the foundation of everything I knew to be or thought I knew about what it would be like to live with this crippling fear. I do not fear my own death even slightly but the weight of fear of those I feel close to passing away while I live is unbearable.

From a blog to document my search for the beginning to a post describing what it is like towards the end. These days for me feel challenging and compared to those who are experiencing life and death issues daily my own fears and issues seem selfish and trite. I'm used to coming up with answers to figure out how and where to go to get things sorted out but as time goes on I find those answers don't come as often and as easy as they once did. Now I'm faced with the real possibility of having a ton of questions that matter to me going unanswered forever.

My mom has it figured out, I really need to get up and go do something for someone else while I still can.