someone else.

I started this blog it looks like 6 years ago in 2012 and then added 2 or 3 entries in 2013 then it stops. For one reason then another I didn't push forward towards what I was looking for. It's 2018 now and time and loss have brought me back to this place. Mom is 91 my sister in her 70s and so many of the people I have know are either experiencing serious health issues and some have passed away. It gets very quiet and sad when I drown myself in these thoughts about how time has taken its toll. While I know how to lift some of the weight of these thoughts off my mind I'm finding it more and more difficult to engage the process. My mom would tell me the quickest way to feel better is to go out and make someone else's day. She is the smartest person I will ever know.

To chronical a journey for what may turn out to be one without any clear destination isn't accomplishing anything worth spending time on and yet it feels like the only thing i'm capable of doing at this moment. I'm deeply saddened to hear my friend and Santa to everyone Alan Lundgren has passed away from a hard fought battle with cancer. My mom battles her issues and doesn't feel very well most of the time. My uncle passed from Alzheimer's my cousin from cancer and a friend who shouldn't be facing heart issues at such an early age is. My sister has had cancer and is doing alright but the time I feel I can actually see flying by is, and it makes me very sad.

I don't like worrying or people who spend a lot of time doing it and yet I'm doing it a lot these days. From as far back as I can remember the death of others has had an extreme effect on me and when it's close to home or in my mind when I think about the future it affects the foundation of everything I knew to be or thought I knew about what it would be like to live with this crippling fear. I do not fear my own death even slightly but the weight of fear of those I feel close to passing away while I live is unbearable.

From a blog to document my search for the beginning to a post describing what it is like towards the end. These days for me feel challenging and compared to those who are experiencing life and death issues daily my own fears and issues seem selfish and trite. I'm used to coming up with answers to figure out how and where to go to get things sorted out but as time goes on I find those answers don't come as often and as easy as they once did. Now I'm faced with the real possibility of having a ton of questions that matter to me going unanswered forever.

My mom has it figured out, I really need to get up and go do something for someone else while I still can.