Hearing someone the other day mention the title of this blog was what made me think to use it.. I'll stay true to the title for my beginning, but this blog will not simply be about "the image of my father.."
I know very little about my father who is now deceased and I remember I didn't show any emotion when I heard about it but truth be known, I was holding back with everything I had-
Harry Zukerman was a Chief Petty Officer on the USS Coral Sea in the war in Vietnam. I was told he was a fun loving guy, one who played practical jokes and had a good but odd sense of humor. (sounds familiar..) His guys on the ship were known as "Zuke's Gooks," and the only story I ever heard about him during war times was they would buy Dr Peppers when in port and about to head out to sea and once they got out in the middle of the ocean Zuke's Gooks would sell that Dr Pepper to the other sailors for a profit!
Harry Zukerman was a Chief Petty Officer on the USS Coral Sea in the war in Vietnam. I was told he was a fun loving guy, one who played practical jokes and had a good but odd sense of humor. (sounds familiar..) His guys on the ship were known as "Zuke's Gooks," and the only story I ever heard about him during war times was they would buy Dr Peppers when in port and about to head out to sea and once they got out in the middle of the ocean Zuke's Gooks would sell that Dr Pepper to the other sailors for a profit!
My mom divorced Harry about 6 months after I was born in Coronado California and she brought me to Texas. Once when I was about 8 maybe 9 years old, my mom who was always trying to get me and him together, set up a meeting back in California and off we went. I was nervous as hell. My first flight on a plane, I remember that day like it was yesterday. Here we get off the plane and go to the baggage area and there he was.. I caught a glimpse of him right away standing off in the distance but I made no eye contact with him and looked away as if I didn't know it was him- Not sure why I did that but maybe I was giving him one more chance to walk away.. He didn't. We met, we went to Disneyland, we wrestled a little and all I have from that day is a photograph and that memory..
I have my father's cigarette lighter with the USS Coral Sea logo on it, and a photo of Harry and his dog in California that my mom had. What I don't have is knowing how he lived his life, how others felt about him, his meaning to me that I have difficulty understanding to this day, and the family on the other side that sadly I will never in my life ever know.
To Harry if you're listening-
I never blamed you for not being in my life. How could I when I don't know the story. I never pressured you like my mom wanted me to and I really never felt any hard feelings in any way. I definitely wish I had known you though. What your voice sounded like, your personality, who your parents were and what they were like. Those simple things, the things any kid might have to remember their father. I have none of those things but just in case you want to know, my mom is the best most loving and caring parent I could have ever had so no worries there in case you ever worried about those things like that.. For whatever the reason, I hope you wanted to know she took great care of me and I turned out the best I could. So very far from perfect, flawed in so many many ways, and unfortunately, I turned out to be the same sort of father to my boy that you were to me, absent. I never got to call someone Dad like the other kids did. There are no stories I can tell that involve my Dad getting on my ass about something that I'll never forget. I have your photo on my desk and I look at it from time to time and I wonder if I would have turned out any different if I had you to teach me what it meant to be a man, and a father to a son.. We'll never know will we. I'm sorry if my coming into the world caused you any stress or trouble and I mean that with all my being. I've only teared up a few times over not knowing you and one of those times is right now. If you are up there listening to any of this, I'm so sad that you passed away before we had a chance to know each other. Maybe I would laugh a little more, be proud of myself for a few things and maybe like myself a little more- Who knows. My mom must have known something when she was pressuring me to pressure you and if I had, would that have pushed you further away, I don't know. Now all I have to remember you by is this photograph and a sadness in my soul that we/you/me, let our time run out. One day maybe we will meet again and this time when I see you I will run right up and give you a hug and tell you it's alright, it's OK, and we'll talk and get to know each other..
Till we meet again and for the first time, so long Dad..
